What’s the backstory of this book? Why did you choose this topic?
HN: In 2003, I lost my son Toshi in a gruesome accident just six weeks after his graduation from medical school. Without my faith, I don’t know how I would have survived. But even with my faith, I was in such pain that I barely knew how to move forward. I started thinking about a few women I knew who had each lost a child. I wondered what they might know about this grief journey that could possibly help me. It took me some time to gather the courage to talk to them about such a personal topic, but when I did, their stories of grief and healing inspired me. To share what I had learned from them, and in the hopes we could help others, my coauthor and I wrote the book Healing Hearts: A Leading Pediatric Heart Surgeon Learns About the Journey from Grief to Life From These Inspiring Mothers of His Lost Patients.

Realizing that the grief journey of a man could be very different than that of a woman, we felt we also needed to give men a voice. What could we learn from them? In Hope Beyond Darkness, twelve fathers share their stories of moving through grief toward healing.

And what did you learn? Is the grief journey of men very different than that of women?
JD: It’s impossible to generalize because grief is such a personal journey, and each parent has to walk his or her own path. But we did notice several themes that came up over and over again in these fathers’ stories.  Perhaps most significantly, many of the fathers in this book talked about a man’s identity as “the fixer”  in the family. These men were used to being the ones who fixed everything for everyone else. Many expressed feeling helpless not only because of their loss itself, but because they had come up against something they could not fix for their wives, surviving children, or for themselves. That affected many of the fathers to the very core of their identities.

What about grief counseling or support groups?  Is that something men do?
JD: In Hope Beyond Darkness, you’ll learn that some of the fathers did find tremendous help in support groups; others, absolutely not. Similarly, one-on-one grief therapy certainly was part of the healing process for some, whether with a professional therapist or a trusted faith leader. Others turned inward to do their grief work in solitude, reading and writing. Some found tremendous healing in providing service to others or in strengthening existing family bonds. Immediately after their losses, many of the fathers in this book wondered how they could continue living at all. But over time, each father did find a meaningful path forward.

How long does the grieving process last?
HN: There is no universal timeline for grieving the loss of a child. For one thing, the loss itself never goes away.  You will never again be able to hold your child, to talk with him or her, to learn who that person would have become later in life. That will never change. Grief has its own unpredictable timetable, and we are not in control. Even years later, grief will catch us suddenly, unawares, like a fresh wound again. While there is certainly a stark beginning to the grieving process, there is no moment when the process comes to an absolute end. But, as so many of the fathers in this book express, we do learn to carry that loss more easily over the years.

Did you consult a psychologist for this study of men’s grief?
JD: No. This book is not a psychological study of grief, although there are many wonderful resources out there. Instead, this book provides an opportunity to listen to grief journeys from the sources, in the fathers’ own words, unfiltered. There is tremendous healing power in the honest sharing of our stories.

How can we help men who are grieving the loss of a child? Is there any way we can make a difference?
HN: Be with us. Your very presence is a show of solidarity from one vulnerable human being to another. Please don’t worry about trying to say the right thing; there is no right thing. There are no magic words to take our pain away. Your love and long-term presence are the best ways to offer support. And please don’t ever feel the need to avoid our child’s name. Your memories of our child mean more than you can know.

What’s the one thing you learned from this book that you want grieving parents to know?
HN: You are not alone. Many of us feel completely isolated when this particular tragedy strikes. Unlike other types of deaths in a family, we might not know even one person who has lost a child. But, as these fathers learned in their own journeys, they are not alone. Neither are you. And over time, you can find your way to the healing you need.